What do Goths eat? Say you wanted to throw a party, an event to celebrate that special brand of doom and you wanted to invite a handful of your closest gothic friends. How would you meet their culinary desires?
Allow me to clarify that when I say “gothic food” I’m aiming for something broader than cakes shaped like coffins or drinks served in chalices. I’m referring to the essence of the term - the gothic brings together things that were intended to stay forever apart: life and death, the innocent and the corrupt, technology and the human body, asparagus and wine. It’s generally agreed among wine aficionados that asparagus is the one food that doesn’t pair. Not with whites, not with reds, nothing between. Your gothic friends, however, want nothing more than to see a plate of these greens next to a nice long-stemmed glass of shiraz, preferably not in season.
Does the Goth require an appetizer? A capital-g Goth would never spoil their appetite by consuming a ‘dip’ with a baby carrot. A jelly-mold salad as a first course however? A resounding yes.
They say the way to a Goth’s heart is through the heart of something else, something like a medium-sized animal. Goths do love a good organ meat - kidneys, brains and livers will do in a pinch.
Yes to seafood – the ocean is arguably gothic: mysterious, temperamental, epic and full of death. Bring on the bouillabaisse, the lutefisk, the sharkfin soup, the turtle stew, anything endangered is top of the list. Let’s not forget that the Goth is villain first, forever seeking unsustainable, fetishistic, irresponsible fun.
You know how they've added a fifth basic taste – umami –to the lineup? Well, guess what? There’s now a sixth and it’s, yes, gothic. It’s a flavour best described as criminal and moody and found in foods like testicles, camel humps, sea cucumbers, pigeon pies. Never oats, broccoli, almond butter or oranges.
What about dairy? Quark? Only if prepared in a goat stomach. Would a Goth drink milk? Generally speaking, Goths avoid anything derived from the udder. The mammary however, is another matter. The Goth is probably busy turning several small wheels of human milk cheese in some dank basement right now. Maybe even yours? Now you’re wondering if I’m referring to the basement or the breastmilk…and I won’t clarify because there’s nothing more delicious than a perfectly aged, salted, cured, slow-cooked mystery.
Risotto? No, texture’s all wrong.
Consider an ice-sculpture of a werewolf as a centerpiece for your table.
Tongue? Absolutely – preferably still attached to the head. Goths need their food to be deliberate, staged, intentional, stylized. Think live-sushi on chopsticks that are two feet long.
It’s all about exquisitely high production values – so long as the production doesn’t involve the lifting of a gothic finger. But if you're willing to do all the work, consider lifting a steamed & braised bear's paw. It's a sure-fire winner.
Goths enjoy desserts too but only the sickeningly sweet, exceptionally tall or skillfully prepared. The meringue, the mousse, the croquembouche.
In terms of late-nite snacks, pomegranates, cherries or anything that stains will suffice. Except beets. Additionally, the Goth does appreciate a chocolate bar from time to time, Snickers in partickers, really satisfies, especially one obtained from the 7/11 in the wee hours.
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